matilda-'s Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- stand in line This is about the only place I can sort things out. Some days I don't know what I'm doing with myself, with others. What happened to me today is weighing heavily on my heart and I can't make it ease up even a little. I've never had many friends, and the ones I did have certainly weren't the kind you want to hang onto for the rest of your life. From day one I was the kid they all felt the need to pick on. I'd been spit on, beat up, had my clothes stolen from me. The geeks loved it when I was around and without my sister since that meant they were safe for yet another day. The school never helped any. Seemed like they were always on the other kids side. My mother once had to call the police, although it didn't do any good. Those girls had to kill me before they could step in. It wasn't safe to go anywhere alone. It wasn't until high school that they left me alone entirely, as I was too much of a freak to bother with. I don't know where I'm going with this or even if I have to go anywhere. This is why it hurts so much to lose friends today. It took me way too long to get any and now there they go. I wasn't so ugly, was I? In the morning, brushing my newly sprouted hair, looking at myself and thinking...hey she's kinda cute. Sometimes a little eyeshadow, earthy colors, browns, a little eyelash curling and mocha colored lipstick. In the right shadow I could be a cover girl or maybe even pose in Maxim Magazine. haha Ok, so maybe I'm not model material. I still like to put on the lipstick :) Today I don't feel so pretty. I'll never again make this mistake. Maybe diaryland isn't for me. I said something I shouldn't? It's my diary, I shouldn't have to monitor every damn thought I put down. In trying to protect my own heart, I gave up something that meant alot to me. Am I supposed to apologize for it? I messed up. Or did I? No matter, I'm feeling it now. 21:13 - Monday, Jun. 24, 2002 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||